That’s right… it’s been a while, because I’ve–you know–been busy and stuff. But with my student teaching dwindling down to its last few days, I’ll have infinitely more time to devote to both the LAMB and my own blog (Shameless Plug: Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob).

But what I’m doing here now is a matter of grave importance and most awesomeness. It’s time for me to host yet another ‘Versus’ Event. First… there was battle of the badass babes with Sirens of the LAMBs. Then, there was the action hero roommate… action… with The LAMB Action Hero. And now… now we have… okay, so, the title is still under construction (currently with only one idea), but it’ll be revealed upon the start of the event!

So let’s get to the point, shall we?

This time around we have a theme much the opposite of last time’s. The theme this time is “What Movie Character Would You Sick On Somebody To Make His/Her Life A Living Hell?” And by ‘His/Her’, I mean the ’somebody’, obviously… not the movie character. In other words, what movie characters are either so annoying or so dastardly that you would would sick him/her on somebody else to terrorize them?

What you would need to do is write an essay (or narrative, if you wish) that explains why your character would be a bigger pain in the ass than your opponent’s character.

Here are some of the rules/specs:

-Each essay/narrative should be no longer than 500 words.

-This isn’t gender-specific.

-Unlike last time, superpowers and aliens ARE disqualified. To keep this interesting, I’d like to see human characters. It would be too easy for a Xenomorph to make somebody’s life a living hell over the average pain in the ass. So as long as the character is within the realm of realism, that’s fine (and yes, comicbook-movie supervillains are okay… again, if they’re human).

-Voting period for each match will last 3 days.

-Entry will be first-come, first-serve. I need 8, 16, or 32 contestants for everybody to have a match. If I’m over any of those numbers, but not quite reaching the next number I need, I’m going to take the first ones that replied.

-Please, and I cannot state this rule enough, make sure that you are POSITIVE that you will have time to do this. During Sirens and a little bit during Action Hero, I continually had people either dropping out or not having time to write their entries due to work or vacation or sickness, etc. As such, the event was dragged out to a ridiculous amount of time (Sirens) or longer than anticipated (Action Hero).

- Finally, make them good and vote appropriately! I don’t want to see Fletch in the Finals again! Er… I mean… Have fun! (:P)

So, if you are interested in doing this, please send me an email at nicholasjobe@gmail.com with your top 3 choices of characters (in the order you’d most like to use). Also, give me the name you want to be listed under for when I post your entries and make sure to tell me what blog you own and/or reside at. It’ll make things a lot easier when I go to post what things were written by whom.

Warning: The following results, for whatever reason (purposeful or coincidental), have come off with some major innuendo.

————–

In what is a record finishing time for a LAMB Versus Event (though… that’s not really tough, since there’s only been one other one, and it had lasted forever), The LAMB Action Hero has come to a close.

This final round, while it didn’t have the 41 votes for when Sirens ended, it did have a good 37 (Clerks reference not intended). And the winner won by a landslide!

So here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for:

The winner of The LAMB Action Hero is…

Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft!

A busty action hero indeed, Lara Croft began her life in video games before spawning two movies starring Angelina Jolie as the titular character (…sorry, I really couldn’t resist). So she goes around, oftentimes followed by her butler and geek-mate, kicking butt and discovering ancient relics/artifacts.

For the fully completed Versus Bracket, check below (click to enlarge):

For those curious to the votes, it was Lara Croft at 26 and Tony Stark at 11. Lara’s total voting score for the entire event was… I kid you not… 69.

So congrats to Jessica from Insight Into Entertainment for writing all the winning arguments (though in a male-dominated community, I’m not exactly sure it was the essays that had the guys voting… but still, congrats all the same). Also, congrats to Fletch, who yet again came in second place.

As always, congrats to everybody who feels like they should be congratulated, and now for the winning prize…

Here you go, Jess… have a button:

(Welcome to the Final Round and Match of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting for this match has now ended.

—————

By Jess from Insight Into Entertainment.

It seems fitting that these two made it into the finals – they’re both really rich, good-looking action heroes. On the surface they’re fairly similar, but looking at the specifics about being the roommate of either will reveal huge differences and a clear winner.

1. Lara Croft is crazy smart and kicks butt using her wits and muscles, so there wouldn’t be anything cluttering your apartment

Tony Stark has to build a whole suit in order to kick butt. He’s a pretty wimpy guy without the Iron Man suit that would be in pieces all over the house since he’s a guy and can’t possibly be bothered to clean.

2. Lara Croft travels the world using actual planes, trains, and automobiles (if you will) and thus would probably have room to take you with her on some of these amazing travels.

Tony Stark travels the world, wreaking havoc by flying in a suit. No room for you.

3. And finally, Lara Croft brings class and sophistication to your shared domicile. Good food, good friends, and good conversation. What more could you want?

Tony Stark is a recluse who can barely make time to call his assistant. Hardly a worthy roommate.

Vote for Lara!

—————–

By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

I’m not going to try to convince the mostly-male readership of the LAMB that they’d rather have Tony Stark as their roommate instead of Lara Croft. It’s a losing battle – one that makes words like these pointless. One look at the two potential roomies would be more than enough to seal this battle’s fate.

Or would it?

Now, guys, try to stay with me here. Try hard. Resist going to Google Image Search and typing the words “Lara Croft” with SafeSearch turned off. Ignore the poster for either film. They all mean nothing, adding up to no more than the latest issue of Playboy or The Bare Wench Project. Because, let’s be honest here – were Lara Croft your roommate, that’s about as close as you’d get to her.

Do you really want to play the role of Bryce in Lara’s life – a live-in (or rather, out) techno-lackey, the butt of her jokes forced to stare longingly at her butt? Then, one by one, watching her parade conquests about the house, while off-handedly asking you to re-program some inane robot? Is this the dream roomie you see for yourself? And don’t even get me started on allergies – if a little pollen gets you all sneezy and swollen, can you imagine what kind of fits you’ll be in with the amount the dust that women surrounds herself with? We’re not talking about a layer of dust bunnies on the windowsill, either – we’re talking inches of dead skin and bugs and god knows what else, making their way from all around the world to your nose.

On the other hand, there’s Tony. Tony not only has a kickass mansion, but get this – the dude spends all his time in the basement working on that magic suit of his during the day. You want to watch the Giants game or Point Break? No worries – not only does he not care, he’s got some sweet remotes for you to use (nevermind the 85-inch 2160p widescreen that won’t hit the market for 10 years). From what I hear, he’s even got a spare suit…and the guy’s gone a lot…you do the math.

Round two has now ended! The votes have been tallied! The winners are now… um… winning. Anyway, to the results!

Lara Croft Vs. John McClane.

It was a tough fight to the end, but the bosom beat the badass 13 to 12. (If that really needs any clarification… Lara won).

Tony Stark Vs. Nicholas Angel.

In what was one of the most epic battles ever fought… more epic than 300 or any of the major battles in Lord of the Rings…. we had Fletch versus Nick… er… I mean, Tony Stark versus Nicholas Angel! It was one of the closest races we’ve ever had. It was neck-and-neck the entire way through and tied for the longest time. But yeah… so… um… tonywins13to11yetagainbringingfletchintothefinals. (Though with all the death threats and the horse’s head on my bed, I’m gonna say there was cheating involved… but that’s just my opinion :P ).

Anywho, there we are! I know this is awfully short notice, but if I could get the two articles by Saturday night, that’d be wonderful (as I’m going out of town and I’d like to set it up to be posted on Monday so voting could be finished by the time I get back). If not… well… I guess we’ll think of something else. So here’s the updated versus bracket (click to enlarge):

Thanks to everybody as usual, and let’s end this with a bang! Thanks!

(Welcome to the second and final match of the second round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting for this match has now ended.

———————-

Room with Nicholas Angel? No effing way.

The guy is a straight-up loser. So much of a loser that he got demoted and sent to podunk England. So much of a loser that his fellow employees not only weren’t sad to see him go, but were waiting with baited breath to send the guy off. So much of a loser that he mistook some random dude for his ex-girlfriend (who dumped him, I might add). So much of a loser that his best friend is a tubby guy who does nothing but watch movies all day. Ok, maybe his friend isn’t such a bad guy.

Either way, you get the point – the guy makes Jason Biggs’ titular Loser seem like a cool guy to hang out with. Heck, with his inability to hold down his job and his current standing with the ladies, there’s a good chance he’s watching scrambled Cinemax with a sock at the ready like some other Biggs character. Have fun walking in on that on your way home from work.

On the other hand, there’s Tony Stark. Iron Man, if you will. Tony’s so damn cool that he literally has the ladies digging their hands into his chest. You don’t think he’s got some dating tips for you?

Then again, you might be saying, “but I’m a straight woman (or gay male) – I don’t want some cocky billionaires’ tips for picking up chicks.” Well, I hear your voices. For you, I have but one question – which of these guys would you rather see stumbling out of the shower with a little white towel on – schlubby, pasty Angel or hunky, mysterious Stark?

So I leave you with a simple question: would you rather bunk with the nearly-unemployed, anti-social knob whose only hobby is tending to a single plant, or with the guy whose license plate wrapper on his Ferrari reads “I’d rather be flying around the world in my high tech suit fighting terrorists when I’m not making billions as the head of my own company?”

———————–

By Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob.

Let me put this to you in an easy, accessible fashion. A chart! Who doesn’t love a chart? We will see the vast differences in who makes a better roommate by showing both good and bad characteristics of roommates in general

This puts Tony Stark with 4 negatives and 1 positive… while Nicholas Angel has 5 positives and NO negatives.

But let me further extend my thoughts on these claims, so that you know they are not rash. While I cannot argue that he would have the money to pay for his half of the rent, there are so many other things to attend to. For instance, it is obvious that Mr. Stark is both a smoker and a drinker. As for an invader of privacy… he has those nosy little robots that want to pry into everybody’s business. Can you imagine yourself in the shower and just have some little robot appear and try to mess with you? Not to mention the constant press/media at his doorstep or intruding the household now that everybody knows he is, in fact, Iron Man. And he also destroys his own house and property more often than not in his continual attempts at being Iron Man. As such, the house would probably in a constant state of disarray. I can’t see him being too buddy-buddy, either, always being too busy with his job and superhero thing. And when he brings home the ladies for his nightly orgies and/or threesomes, would he share? No way. Not that you’d want it, anyway… with the women he picks up, there’s no telling what kind of diseases they have. And in the case of an emergency, how would you find him? Without access to his secret lab and such, he could be halfway around the world in some terror-filled country while you’re stuck locked out of the house without a spare key.

Nicholas Angel, on the other hand, could pay his rent easily and on time, will keep the house from becoming an uncleanable mess, and could easily be found at any time. He’s not a drinker or a smoker, he respects privacy, and he would not have reason to destroy your home. And, as I’ve previously stated, you can hang out with him and watch pretty much any movie you want, and he won’t really mind. Overall, he would be the most agreeable partner.

So these, as I see them, are the most obvious and clear-cut reasons as to why Tony Stark would be a HORRID roommate, and why Nicholas Angel, for all intents and purposes, would be so much better. So do yourself a favor… vote for Nicholas Angel.

(It’s finally back! Welcome to the first match of the second round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting for this match has now ended.
——————-

By Jess from Insight Into Entertainment.

What are the best qualities you can ask for in a roommate? Quiet, pays the rent on time, shares some of his or her stuff/friends/food, and doesn’t break or steal your stuff. Lara Croft does all of these things really well. Particularly since she’s a pretty wealthy gal, so sharing her stuff isn’t that big a deal. She’d be a great roommate as she’d have interesting stories to tell about her travels and kicking ass around the world. I’m sure she would help me getting visas to visit strange places, and give me a place to stay when I got there, because she knows everyone. Lara has no need to steal or break my stuff as her stuff is probably better than mine anyway.

John McClane on the other hand is never quiet; he’s loud, and loud things follow him everywhere. He always seems to be strapped for cash, either because of alimony or losing his job and such. He doesn’t really have much stuff because it constantly gets destroyed because of problems at work, so sharing it wouldn’t really be an option. He’s probably a freeloader and would eat all your food and not clean anything, but expect you to keep the place looking good. He’d borrow your stuff all the time without asking, and, yes, he’d probably have a great reason like saving his wife or his kids or the country, but he still took it without asking.

———————

By Mike from Big Mike’s Movie Blog.

I want to tell you about another roommate I once had and why I appreciate John McClane that much more.

Her name was Lara Croft.

First off, Lara is not even a real name. Sara, Cara, even Tara if you’re a big Gone With The Wind fan, but I digress. It was actually an accident that I ended up sharing a room in her mansion. Whilst vacationing in India, I got lost in the jungle and stumbled across a large temple. As I went to explore it, I twisted my ankle, fell down a bunch if steps in front of a beautiful woman. She took me back to her mansion where her butler tended to huge lumps on my face and some bruised bones, all the while giving me free run of the house. Good times, right?

Not so much. Lara, as it turns out, was both filthy rich and a woman. Together, these two can combine to form a powerful deity known as Oprah or, in Lara’s case, someone with way too much time and money on her hands. I mean, this chick was way into the occult. Not in the cute Hot Topic way, but after hunting down every mythological artifact in the world, she would chase after a Frisbee if you threw it far enough. I tried telling her that space was still relatively unexplored but she wouldn’t hear me, off on another quest without so much as a ‘Bye, luv.’

And the mansion was full of this shit. Remember when George Carlin talked about stuff and shit? Lara has shit. And a ton of it. One room was full of these giant statues. Or so I thought. As I was wondering if I could find Easter Island on a map, a giant robot thing started chasing me around, with these fangs and these claws. I was running like an idiot until I screamed for it to please, heavenly God, stop chasing me and it did. What kind of sense does that make?

Also, the butler thing is more of a headache than its worth really. If I come in and leave my jacket on the couch, it’s because I’m leaving in fifteen minutes and will grab it when I come out! If someone puts it on a hanger and places it back in its proper place, how the hell am I supposed to find it?! That also goes for half empty Cokes, remote controls, and my porn.

Speaking of sex, Lara was an unmitigated, unapologetic, unrelenting, Guantanamo Bay-level torture of a tease. Four months living there, I never saw boobs, side boobs, cheek, or left arm for some weird reason. Not that she wasn’t showering in large, glass-filled rooms or walking around like some love child with a free wheeling hippie father, but never once did I get the goods. And I was trying REAL hard. And I can get some hot chicks. Does the name Justin Bailey mean anything to you?

I can’t wait for John to get back from New York. I hope he doesn’t get delayed at the airport.

Well, round one has ended in good timing! I can give the results now, and the winners can begin on their next articles over the weekend (as long as they aren’t distracted by some movie that came out this weekend… I can’t remember what it is at the moment, though… hmm…). Anyway, the results! It was an incredible first round with tons of voting and a few close calls!

Bruce Wayne/Batman Vs. Lara Croft.

This was the most voted-for match of the bunch, and boy was it a doozy. Between the awesomeness that is Bruce Wayne and the hotness that is Lara Croft, many of the male population of the LAMB had difficulty deciding between the two. But Lara Croft came out victorious with a staggering 31 votes over Bruce’s 22.

Tony Stark/Iron Man Vs. Underdog.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the least voted-for match (which is funny considering one of them was Iron Man, and that Iron Man was written by our very own Fletch). However, the match was still an obvious no-brainer (sorry Underdog), with Mr. Stark kicking the dog aside with a vote of 13 to 6.

John McClane Vs. Nausicaa.

This match, much like the first, was a battle of machismo and sex. John McClane is obviously one of the most iconic action heroes ever created, while Nausicaa… has ‘lesbian-y tendencies’. Apparently we have some moral LAMBs around here, because John McClane yippee kie yay’d to the top spot with an incredibly tight vote of 12 to 11.

Leon Vs. Nicholas Angel.

Finally, there was the battle of the man who takes care of a plant and kicks ass against… the man who takes care of a plant and kicks ass. It was a tough vote for me, as I wrote for Mr. Angel, yet Leon is one of my favorite movies. Apparently, though, others didn’t have the same confliction as Nicholas Angel fought his way to the winning spot with a vote of 14 to 8 (with no actual bribery involved!).

So there we are. The next round will begin as soon as possible, and I ask all winners to begin writing their essays for round two so they can get them to me ASAP. Round two should hopefully begin next week. And here is the updated Versus Bracket (click to enlarge):

Oh look at that… I’m going to be going up against Fletch in round two. It will be a battle of epic proportions! And I thank everybody who wrote in for round one, everybody who voted for round one, and everybody that is going to be participating for round two. Let’s hope the next one goes just as smoothly! Thanks!

(Welcome to the fourth match of the first round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

———————

(Welcome to the third match of the first round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting has now ended for this match.

——————–

By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

(Welcome to the second match of the first round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. If you haven’t voted for the previous match, do so now! Today is the last day to vote for that match! Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting has now ended for this match.

———————

LÉON, also known as The Cleaner, is the ideal candidate to be my roommate for several reasons that immediately come to my mind. The first and foremost reason would be his sense of cleanliness and order. If you were to walk into his apartment, you may notice it is simple in design and decoration, but it is very clean. Not a speck of dust or swipe of dirt can be found in the entire apartment. His sense of pride is clearly apparent by the order he keeps in his own home. He even goes far enough to water and clean his potted plant by using a spray bottle filled with water and a clean cloth. He is a quiet roommate who usually keeps quiet and reserved. Despite the immoral nature of his profession as an assassin, you would think he was a small time accountant at a local business. He is a very responsible guy that you could trust to take care of his end of the household chores and not live in a pigsty. Even though he’s orderly and quiet doesn’t mean he is one of those goodie-two-shoes that can be a pain in the butt with a list of anal-retentive rules. There was one time I had a roommate who wouldn’t lift a finger to clean the bathroom we shared, but he would wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me that I should pitch in to clean it. How aggravating and annoying!

SGT. NICHOLAS ANGEL, also known as Service Agent 777, is a dedicated police officer that not only goes by the codebook, but he’s tremendously anal with enforcing the rules. He is the epitome of what I would like to avoid in a roommate, because I find the strict rulebook type of guys to be a royal pain. He is an overachieving police officer with a lot of success and recognition at work, but he’s the type of guy who brings his Type A personality home with him. I am not a Type A guy and the overbearing rulebook enforcers annoy the hell out of me. The reason why I believe Sgt. Angel would not be an ideal candidate as my roommate would be the clash of personalities. I would love to live with someone who knows how to be responsible at home, but also knows how to respect the boundaries of those he or she lives with. I am afraid that Sgt. Angel is a responsible guy who will consistently pay the rent on time and keep the house clean, but will he leave me be at home? Will he be like the previous roommate that would wake me up early just to tell me to clean the bathroom when he finds it to be an appropriate time? Someone who is anal retentive, such as Sgt. Angel, would not be an ideal roommate for me. I would have to pass on him as a potential candidate.

————–

By Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob.

Both Nicholas Angel and Leon, oddly enough, have the similar traits of never drinking alcohol, never smoking, and always taking care of a Japanese Peace Lily (making the air nice and fresh); therefore, the quiet cleanliness factor must be overlooked if we are to compare these roommates.

Let us first take a look at why Nicholas Angel would be my ideal roommate: First, he can easily be talked into watching just about any cool movie you want him to see, and he won’t mind a huge DVD collection (“By the power of Greyskull!”). His best friend is also a fellow movie fanatic, and we’d get along great. Sergeant Angel is also incredibly intelligent, and we would probably easily be able to discuss academics if the need came up. And nobody would dare try to rob the place. He’s a police sergeant, and could hunt the person down in no time. Not to mention he would be quite on time with his half of the rent. Just an all around good guy.

Leon, on the other hand, can’t even read. If he ever considered buying a DVD, it would be Singin’ in the Rain, which he would watch over and over and over. And I’m all up for musicals, but hearing the same songs played constantly would get on my nerves. He would also have a tendency to bring spunky preteen girls home, probably making the landlord think we’re running some kind of child brothel. Not to mention he’ll probably come home bleeding and stain up the shower. And if I bother him at all, he’ll shoot me in my sleep without any hesitance. He’s boring at the best of times and dangerous at the worst. And on top of that, he’ll probably have so many pissed off people coming after him that they’ll end up firing a missile into the apartment before Leon decides to strap on his grenade vest and blow up the entire building. I really don’t feel like losing all my stuff just because my roommate was having a bad day.

Nicholas Angel all the way.