Warning: The following results, for whatever reason (purposeful or coincidental), have come off with some major innuendo.

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In what is a record finishing time for a LAMB Versus Event (though… that’s not really tough, since there’s only been one other one, and it had lasted forever), The LAMB Action Hero has come to a close.

This final round, while it didn’t have the 41 votes for when Sirens ended, it did have a good 37 (Clerks reference not intended). And the winner won by a landslide!

So here it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for:

The winner of The LAMB Action Hero is…

Tomb Raider’s Lara Croft!

A busty action hero indeed, Lara Croft began her life in video games before spawning two movies starring Angelina Jolie as the titular character (…sorry, I really couldn’t resist). So she goes around, oftentimes followed by her butler and geek-mate, kicking butt and discovering ancient relics/artifacts.

For the fully completed Versus Bracket, check below (click to enlarge):

For those curious to the votes, it was Lara Croft at 26 and Tony Stark at 11. Lara’s total voting score for the entire event was… I kid you not… 69.

So congrats to Jessica from Insight Into Entertainment for writing all the winning arguments (though in a male-dominated community, I’m not exactly sure it was the essays that had the guys voting… but still, congrats all the same). Also, congrats to Fletch, who yet again came in second place.

As always, congrats to everybody who feels like they should be congratulated, and now for the winning prize…

Here you go, Jess… have a button:

(Welcome to the Final Round and Match of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting for this match has now ended.

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By Jess from Insight Into Entertainment.

It seems fitting that these two made it into the finals – they’re both really rich, good-looking action heroes. On the surface they’re fairly similar, but looking at the specifics about being the roommate of either will reveal huge differences and a clear winner.

1. Lara Croft is crazy smart and kicks butt using her wits and muscles, so there wouldn’t be anything cluttering your apartment

Tony Stark has to build a whole suit in order to kick butt. He’s a pretty wimpy guy without the Iron Man suit that would be in pieces all over the house since he’s a guy and can’t possibly be bothered to clean.

2. Lara Croft travels the world using actual planes, trains, and automobiles (if you will) and thus would probably have room to take you with her on some of these amazing travels.

Tony Stark travels the world, wreaking havoc by flying in a suit. No room for you.

3. And finally, Lara Croft brings class and sophistication to your shared domicile. Good food, good friends, and good conversation. What more could you want?

Tony Stark is a recluse who can barely make time to call his assistant. Hardly a worthy roommate.

Vote for Lara!

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By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

I’m not going to try to convince the mostly-male readership of the LAMB that they’d rather have Tony Stark as their roommate instead of Lara Croft. It’s a losing battle – one that makes words like these pointless. One look at the two potential roomies would be more than enough to seal this battle’s fate.

Or would it?

Now, guys, try to stay with me here. Try hard. Resist going to Google Image Search and typing the words “Lara Croft” with SafeSearch turned off. Ignore the poster for either film. They all mean nothing, adding up to no more than the latest issue of Playboy or The Bare Wench Project. Because, let’s be honest here – were Lara Croft your roommate, that’s about as close as you’d get to her.

Do you really want to play the role of Bryce in Lara’s life – a live-in (or rather, out) techno-lackey, the butt of her jokes forced to stare longingly at her butt? Then, one by one, watching her parade conquests about the house, while off-handedly asking you to re-program some inane robot? Is this the dream roomie you see for yourself? And don’t even get me started on allergies – if a little pollen gets you all sneezy and swollen, can you imagine what kind of fits you’ll be in with the amount the dust that women surrounds herself with? We’re not talking about a layer of dust bunnies on the windowsill, either – we’re talking inches of dead skin and bugs and god knows what else, making their way from all around the world to your nose.

On the other hand, there’s Tony. Tony not only has a kickass mansion, but get this – the dude spends all his time in the basement working on that magic suit of his during the day. You want to watch the Giants game or Point Break? No worries – not only does he not care, he’s got some sweet remotes for you to use (nevermind the 85-inch 2160p widescreen that won’t hit the market for 10 years). From what I hear, he’s even got a spare suit…and the guy’s gone a lot…you do the math.

Round two has now ended! The votes have been tallied! The winners are now… um… winning. Anyway, to the results!

Lara Croft Vs. John McClane.

It was a tough fight to the end, but the bosom beat the badass 13 to 12. (If that really needs any clarification… Lara won).

Tony Stark Vs. Nicholas Angel.

In what was one of the most epic battles ever fought… more epic than 300 or any of the major battles in Lord of the Rings…. we had Fletch versus Nick… er… I mean, Tony Stark versus Nicholas Angel! It was one of the closest races we’ve ever had. It was neck-and-neck the entire way through and tied for the longest time. But yeah… so… um… tonywins13to11yetagainbringingfletchintothefinals. (Though with all the death threats and the horse’s head on my bed, I’m gonna say there was cheating involved… but that’s just my opinion :P ).

Anywho, there we are! I know this is awfully short notice, but if I could get the two articles by Saturday night, that’d be wonderful (as I’m going out of town and I’d like to set it up to be posted on Monday so voting could be finished by the time I get back). If not… well… I guess we’ll think of something else. So here’s the updated versus bracket (click to enlarge):

Thanks to everybody as usual, and let’s end this with a bang! Thanks!

(It’s finally back! Welcome to the first match of the second round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting for this match has now ended.
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By Jess from Insight Into Entertainment.

What are the best qualities you can ask for in a roommate? Quiet, pays the rent on time, shares some of his or her stuff/friends/food, and doesn’t break or steal your stuff. Lara Croft does all of these things really well. Particularly since she’s a pretty wealthy gal, so sharing her stuff isn’t that big a deal. She’d be a great roommate as she’d have interesting stories to tell about her travels and kicking ass around the world. I’m sure she would help me getting visas to visit strange places, and give me a place to stay when I got there, because she knows everyone. Lara has no need to steal or break my stuff as her stuff is probably better than mine anyway.

John McClane on the other hand is never quiet; he’s loud, and loud things follow him everywhere. He always seems to be strapped for cash, either because of alimony or losing his job and such. He doesn’t really have much stuff because it constantly gets destroyed because of problems at work, so sharing it wouldn’t really be an option. He’s probably a freeloader and would eat all your food and not clean anything, but expect you to keep the place looking good. He’d borrow your stuff all the time without asking, and, yes, he’d probably have a great reason like saving his wife or his kids or the country, but he still took it without asking.

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By Mike from Big Mike’s Movie Blog.

I want to tell you about another roommate I once had and why I appreciate John McClane that much more.

Her name was Lara Croft.

First off, Lara is not even a real name. Sara, Cara, even Tara if you’re a big Gone With The Wind fan, but I digress. It was actually an accident that I ended up sharing a room in her mansion. Whilst vacationing in India, I got lost in the jungle and stumbled across a large temple. As I went to explore it, I twisted my ankle, fell down a bunch if steps in front of a beautiful woman. She took me back to her mansion where her butler tended to huge lumps on my face and some bruised bones, all the while giving me free run of the house. Good times, right?

Not so much. Lara, as it turns out, was both filthy rich and a woman. Together, these two can combine to form a powerful deity known as Oprah or, in Lara’s case, someone with way too much time and money on her hands. I mean, this chick was way into the occult. Not in the cute Hot Topic way, but after hunting down every mythological artifact in the world, she would chase after a Frisbee if you threw it far enough. I tried telling her that space was still relatively unexplored but she wouldn’t hear me, off on another quest without so much as a ‘Bye, luv.’

And the mansion was full of this shit. Remember when George Carlin talked about stuff and shit? Lara has shit. And a ton of it. One room was full of these giant statues. Or so I thought. As I was wondering if I could find Easter Island on a map, a giant robot thing started chasing me around, with these fangs and these claws. I was running like an idiot until I screamed for it to please, heavenly God, stop chasing me and it did. What kind of sense does that make?

Also, the butler thing is more of a headache than its worth really. If I come in and leave my jacket on the couch, it’s because I’m leaving in fifteen minutes and will grab it when I come out! If someone puts it on a hanger and places it back in its proper place, how the hell am I supposed to find it?! That also goes for half empty Cokes, remote controls, and my porn.

Speaking of sex, Lara was an unmitigated, unapologetic, unrelenting, Guantanamo Bay-level torture of a tease. Four months living there, I never saw boobs, side boobs, cheek, or left arm for some weird reason. Not that she wasn’t showering in large, glass-filled rooms or walking around like some love child with a free wheeling hippie father, but never once did I get the goods. And I was trying REAL hard. And I can get some hot chicks. Does the name Justin Bailey mean anything to you?

I can’t wait for John to get back from New York. I hope he doesn’t get delayed at the airport.

Well, round one has ended in good timing! I can give the results now, and the winners can begin on their next articles over the weekend (as long as they aren’t distracted by some movie that came out this weekend… I can’t remember what it is at the moment, though… hmm…). Anyway, the results! It was an incredible first round with tons of voting and a few close calls!

Bruce Wayne/Batman Vs. Lara Croft.

This was the most voted-for match of the bunch, and boy was it a doozy. Between the awesomeness that is Bruce Wayne and the hotness that is Lara Croft, many of the male population of the LAMB had difficulty deciding between the two. But Lara Croft came out victorious with a staggering 31 votes over Bruce’s 22.

Tony Stark/Iron Man Vs. Underdog.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the least voted-for match (which is funny considering one of them was Iron Man, and that Iron Man was written by our very own Fletch). However, the match was still an obvious no-brainer (sorry Underdog), with Mr. Stark kicking the dog aside with a vote of 13 to 6.

John McClane Vs. Nausicaa.

This match, much like the first, was a battle of machismo and sex. John McClane is obviously one of the most iconic action heroes ever created, while Nausicaa… has ‘lesbian-y tendencies’. Apparently we have some moral LAMBs around here, because John McClane yippee kie yay’d to the top spot with an incredibly tight vote of 12 to 11.

Leon Vs. Nicholas Angel.

Finally, there was the battle of the man who takes care of a plant and kicks ass against… the man who takes care of a plant and kicks ass. It was a tough vote for me, as I wrote for Mr. Angel, yet Leon is one of my favorite movies. Apparently, though, others didn’t have the same confliction as Nicholas Angel fought his way to the winning spot with a vote of 14 to 8 (with no actual bribery involved!).

So there we are. The next round will begin as soon as possible, and I ask all winners to begin writing their essays for round two so they can get them to me ASAP. Round two should hopefully begin next week. And here is the updated Versus Bracket (click to enlarge):

Oh look at that… I’m going to be going up against Fletch in round two. It will be a battle of epic proportions! And I thank everybody who wrote in for round one, everybody who voted for round one, and everybody that is going to be participating for round two. Let’s hope the next one goes just as smoothly! Thanks!

(Welcome to the first match of the first round of The LAMB Action Hero! Here you will read two different essays, both describing why one action hero would be a good roommate while their opponent’s would be a bad roommate. At the bottom of the post will be a place to vote. Please vote as unbiased as possible, basing it on the essays. Vote for whoever you think would be the better roommate. You have three days to vote. Now let’s enjoy!)

Update: Voting has now ended for this match.

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By Rachel from Rachel’s Reel Reviews.

A big beautiful mansion, a garage full of expensive cars, and a butler to cater to every single need: these are a few material things that both Bruce Wayne and Lara Croft have in common. Therefore, one must look beyond the materialistic elements of our action heroes in order to make a clear selection of whom I want to split the rent with…or mooch off of.

Although Bruce may be a little off in the head, what with creating an alter ego and all, at least he keeps all things concerning his winged buddy out of the main house. Chances of me getting attacked by his rabid bats or getting in the cross-fire of his training sessions are much less likely, since it all takes place several hundred feet underground. I probably wouldn’t be able to walk in the front door at Lara’s place without getting my head chopped off by that killer robot Simon that she lets run wild. Sure it’s supposed to be harmless and listen to her commands, but you should never trust machinery, especially the kind that can kill you. And what if I take the last Diet Coke and Lara sets that thing after me? I don’t want to spend my days looking over my shoulder for killer robots on the loose. And speaking of Simon, what about its creator, Lara’s little friend, Bryce? That guy has “pervert” written all over him. I don’t want to share the grounds with Lara’s techie geek sidekick, who’s probably up all night glued to his window with a pair of binoculars.

Forget the heroes-in-training though, as Bruce seems way more fun than Lara. He knows how to go out and party. Want to have dinner at the nicest place in town? “Let’s go buy it,” he’d say. When he takes a night off from dealing with the bad guys, Bruce certainly knows how to entertain to keep up his rich, playboy status. Poor Lara just sits at home, doing bungee ballet, hanging out with Bryce (ick!) and crying over her daddy’s memorial out in the garden. The girl simply doesn’t know how to live. And we’d have nothing in common. She’d sit around discussing guns, while I’d want to talk about shoes. The tomboy and sorority girl could never be BFF.

In spite of everything else, I could never live with Lara because let’s face it, I could never bring another guy home and still be dating him the next day. She simply says “Hello” and guys melt into drooling goofballs. Living with Lara would mean living without a love life. The constant jealousy would drive me insane. I just don’t think I’d have such a big problem with Bruce. He may bring the occasional bimbo home, but he wouldn’t try to make the moves on my date.

It’s a clear choice: for my own sanity I would have to answer Bruce Wayne’s “Roommate Wanted Ad.”

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By Jess at Insight Into Entertainment.

Lara Croft would be the best roommate, first because she’s got taste and style in her homes, even when traveling around the world. She’s really smart, building all kinds of devices that make being a superhero easier – outfits, machines, etc. Putting these two together, she even built a room large enough to do bungee-ballet; she’s athletic and creative at the same time. I’m sure she’d be willing to help me put up shelves; superhero kind of shelves that never sag or fall down. Plus, she has lots of experience traveling and knows people all over the world. I bet she’d throw parties at our house that would be terrific for meeting people and experiencing culture at the same time. She was raised in a wealthy home, but doesn’t have the rich kid entitled attitude. She’d clean and decorate with style rather than living in a hole. As a superhero, she’s not secretive so there’s nothing she wouldn’t tell you. You’d know that she was going to find an ancient artifact in Egypt or running to the Amazon to retrieve something valuable to civilization. She might not invite you (and who’d want to go all that way all the time anyway), but at least you’d know where she went and when she’d be back – no worrying if she skipped out on the rent or anything. Also, if you were walking down the street together or out to dinner, she’d definitely have your back and kick the crap out of anyone that bothered us, given she’s an expert in it. The best roommate ever.

Bruce Wayne/Batman would be a terribly boring roommate. You’d probably have to live with him for 20 years before he even bothered to show you where the bat cave was. Plus, you’d have to pay rent on a place that was able to encompass a bat cave and the slide to it without ever knowing what was there. He’d slip off and be secretive about where he was going, basically driving you crazy knowing he had a secret life that you weren’t allowed to be part of. He’s too secretive to be a good roommate, and unless he brought Alfred, he’s a spoiled rich kid who wouldn’t bother cleaning the toilet or vacuuming ever. He has no friends, so there wouldn’t be any interesting parties or social events he’d invite you to, he’s only part of the boring rich social crowd. Totally the worst roommate to have.