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Category 'Reel Whore'

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To my fellow stargazers:

Do you feel all Oscar’d out, but know the awards still haven’t been presented?! If you’re looking for a slightly different retrospective on the movies of 2010, click on over to Reel Whore. Today marks the mid-point in a seven day Best-of extravaganza designed to put 2010 to bed. Don’t forget to start back at Day 1, I’d hate for you to miss out on a minute of the coverage.

What are you waiting for, Confessions 2010: Reel Whore vs. the Movies awaits!

Enjoy,
Reel Whore

Got a Press Release, something to Plug, or a Screener available for review (or some combination of the three)? Ok, don’t get all crazy about it. Just click here and give me the details (what, when, where, and a link, for starters) - I’ll handle the rest.

PLUG: Reel Whore

I know this is super late notice, but I’d love to get tons more votes for my latest FMK Friday! poll. The poll ends in 3 days, right after new year begins.

Here’’s the link over at the Reel Whore:

http://reelwhore.blogspot.com/2010/12/fmk-friday-ball-droppin-dudes.html

It’s pretty self-explanatory, but feel free to email with questions.

Thanks,
Wayne
aka Reel Whore

Got a Press Release, something to Plug, or a Screener available for review (or some combination of the three)? Ok, don’t get all crazy about it. Just click here and give me the details (what, when, where, and a link, for starters) - I’ll handle the rest.

PLUG: Reel Whore

I know this is super late notice, but I’d love to get tons more votes for my latest FMK Friday! poll. The poll ends in 3 days, right after new year begins.

Here’’s the link over at the Reel Whore:

http://reelwhore.blogspot.com/2010/12/fmk-friday-ball-droppin-dudes.html

It’s pretty self-explanatory, but feel free to email with questions.

Thanks,
Wayne
aka Reel Whore

Got a Press Release, something to Plug, or a Screener available for review (or some combination of the three)? Ok, don’t get all crazy about it. Just click here and give me the details (what, when, where, and a link, for starters) - I’ll handle the rest.

The winner of the 2010 LAMMY for Best Random LAMB Banner is…

Coming at you twice a day until the winner of the Best Blog award is unveiled Friday, June 18th, it’s time for the 2010 LAMMY Awards gala!To see the previous award winners, click here.Best Random LAMB BannerDouble-tie action! Stranger still, the same thing happened in this category last year. Weird.3rd place (tie): Evil on Two Legs and Ross v Ross (12 votes)And the winners, with 18 votes are…

For Your Consideration: Final Cut, Zombots, and Reel Whore

Hey you! Send me an FYC image and I will put it up! I don’t care if I get one from 50 60 sites, I’ll find a way to get them all up, and as soon as possible (the nomination voting period only lasts until May 12th!). When you’re ready to vote, do it here: http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/482056

Alright, folks - this is it (for now). These are the last FYC ads that I have, and I got through them just in time, as the LAMMY NOMINATION VOTING ENDS TOMORROW. Speaking of the voting, I do have one problem - it’s close, but I’ve received more FYC ads than there currently are voters. This is not how it’s supposed to work. Everyone ought to vote, but everyone that sent in an FYC for their site really, really ought to vote. Please remedy that for me.

If there are any truly last-minute FYC ads out there, send ‘em on in, and I’ll do my best to get them up. Thanks go out to all that sent one in - a great turnout this year, and I think these are a ton of fun and show off some excellent creativity. We might have to include a Best FYC Ad in next year’s LAMMYs…

(click images to enlarge)

FYC #58 is for LAMB #333, Final Cut.

FYC #59 is for LAMB #344, Zombots, (who also sent in a targeted FYC for their podcast, The Avod).

FYC #60 is for LAMB #383, Reel Whore, who went way above and beyond the call of duty and sent in six (!) FYC ads, each targeted to a specific award. Normally, I might say “this is too much,” but the Whore outdid himself, and they’re pretty damn funny. Enjoy.






March to Box Office Madness final results

Though I had originally stated that March to Box Office Madness wouldn’t technically end until late September, I look at the yearly box office totals and I’m declaring it safe to call the competition. There’s enough separation between the contending films, and not enough time for any film to pass another, what with most of them in “minor earnings” positions with most of them having been released 8-12 weeks ago.

So, from a total of 32 films we are down to one summer box office champion (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, with a hair over $400,000,000 in box office receipts), and from 34 players in this little game, we are down to one champion. Congratulations to Wayward Jam (aka Wayne) of Reel Whore on his winning bracket (as it so happens, Wayne came in 2nd in last year’s Summer of LAMB box office contest - he clearly has a future in box office prognostication!). From a possible 76 points, Wayne racked up 64, enough to win the competition by a single point over his closest competitor, Keith of Kano’s Kogitation. For his win, Wayne has won a Blog Smog t-shirt provided by Dentyne as well as the DVD of his choosing from Amazon (up to $19.99).

To view the final bracket in PDF form, click here (or if you wish to save, do a “Save Target As”): http://www.freewebs.com/blogcabins/march2madnessmaster2.pdf

Here are the complete and final standings; if you think I’ve made an error, be sure to let me know within three (3) days of this post. Due to the possibility of an error, prizes will not be sent until such time has passed. Click here to read all about the game.

Finally - THANKS FOR PLAYING! I look forward to doing it again next year.

NAME TOTAL
Wayne 64
Keith 63
Linda S. 58
BD79 57
Jess 56
Anders 55
Shane C. 54
Rachel 51
Rik F. 48
Dylan 47
Alex D. 46
Daniel G. 46
Scott M. 45
Nick 44
TC K. 43
Ross 42
Friend Mouse 42
T.L. Bugg 40
Wendymoon 40
Clara M. 38
Jim B. 36
dreamrot 36
Chaka 35
Ivan S. 33
Josh L. 32
Nayana A. 32
Joseph D. 31
James H. 31
Mikey F. 31
Derek 28
Piper 23
Jason S. 22
Stephanie 22
Rick B. 19

All box office data from Box Office Mojo.

For Your Consideration: Reel Whore

Hey you! Send me an FYC image and I will put it up! I don’t care if I get one from 50 sites, I’ll find a way to get them all up, and as soon as possible (the nomination voting period only lasts until May 4th!). When you’re ready to vote, do it here: http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/430540

FYC #8 is from LAMB #10, Reel Whore. I’m more than a little bit shocked. Of all the categories that RW author Wayne would like you to consider, he missed perhaps one of the top ones that he deserves to get some votes for - Best Theme! He is, as he puts it, “cinema’s bitch,” and he serves his time in theaters watching the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Summer of LAMB entry: Reel Whore

Name: Waywardjam (aka Wayne)
Site: Reel Whore

The clock is ticking but after much deliberation and heartache, here’s my predictions for the success of summer 2008, aka The Summer of the LAMBs!

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - $400M
2. Iron Man - $325M
3. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - $300M
4. The Dark Knight - $290M
5. Hancock - $278M
6. Wall*E - $235M
7. Speed Racer - $220M
8. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - $215M
9. Kung Fu Panda - $195M
10. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan - $145M

Also rans: The Pineapple Express, The Incredible Hulk, Meet Dave
Guaranteed Flop: Oh my Mike Myers how far you have fallen. I can’t see how The Love Guru will do anything but fail. I think it will also fail to the tune of $25M which we all know won’t even cover Myers’ salary.

I would have loved to throw in Postal here too but if you know a film is a flop before it is even released can you really predict it as such?

Rip Van Winkle Hit (sleeper): Would you believe… Get Smart will be the sleeper hit for a major release? I believe it.

If we’re considering limited and exclusive releases a la Waitress and Little Miss Sunshine fame, I’d have to go with Son of Rambow or Hamlet 2…yeah, that’s right Hamlet 2.

3 Movies I’m Moist With Antici…Pation For:
* The Dark Knight. They kicked my baby mama to the curb in favor of Maggie Gyllenhaal but hey, Mrs. Cruise royally stunk up Batman Begins. We’ve got Bale back in the suit, returning cast members Caine, Freeman and Oldman reprising their roles, and Heath Ledger and Aaron Eckhart chewing up the scenery. How is this not on everyone’s must see list!

* The House Bunny. Not what you expected? Well, I love me some Anna Faris!!! This will be goofy and predictable no doubt, but at least it’s not another installment of Scary Movie. Plus I still have the McPhever and this is looking to be the year of the Beverly D’Angelo comeback, so why not give this a try?

* Hellboy 2: The Golden Army. I remember getting online to see the Indiana Jones teaser and feeling tingly all over. Then I noticed the Hellboy 2 trailer was available and after watching the most breathtaking effects and wicked fight scenes, I was like Indy Who? You da man, Ron Perlman!

…If I could name one more flick that makes me all sweaty, it’d have to be Midnight Meat Train. That has to be one of the most ludicrous titles in recent film history but it’s going to be one helluva ride!

The winner of the 2008 LAMMY for Best Random LAMB Banner is…

In case you’re new here, scroll down just a little bit and look at the sidebar. You’ll see a widget titled “Random LAMB.” These are banners that the LAMB members have created to advertise their sites. The full gallery can be seen here. This was the 3rd most active category, with 73 total votes spread to 32 sites by 26 voters. The winner took the trophy while receiving a vote from 31.3% of the voters, the 8th highest percentage of all the categories. It was a tight race, and I think any of the top three (or four) would have been worth winners.

The envelope please…

3rd place: Evil on Two Legs (7 votes)

2nd place: The Spoon (8 votes)

And the winner, with 10 votes is…

Reel Whore

Your winning LAMMY banner will be emailed to you after all the awards have been presented. Congratulations!

Sirens of the LAMBs (Round 2): Asami Yamazaki Vs. Baby Firefly.

(Welcome to the first fight of round 2 of Sirens of the LAMBs! Read through the narratives and vote on the winner! And remember to base it on the narratives and not just a bias!)

Warning: This pair of narratives is about as disturbing as you’d think they would rightfully be (or more so). If you have a weak stomach and picture-clear imagination, you might tread with caution.

———-

By Nathan from Faux Nixon.

Asami, having returned to Japan, and having resumed her life, now with her newly deformed slave, brings her slave harem to three: two men and one woman. She finds out about a new powerful female who is trying to usurp her power: Baby Firefly.

Asami flies first class in her finest clothing, packed like the princess that she is, and flies to the nearest international airport in Texas near the backwoods group of which Baby Firefly is said to be a part.

Asami decides the best introduction would be what she had shipped ahead of her: the mangled, tortured body of Catwoman, shipped via a questionable courier who also deals in illegal organs and other such, unspeakable things. Catwoman has been shipped via freighter and in a coffin with only an intravenous drip to keep her from dehydration and the most extreme versions of starvation, but save for that, she is kept comatose and, as a result, when the hicks open the box it’s a mess of rot, stench, and sloth like something out of David Fincher’s Se7en, if a bit wetter and more… full of texture.

Asami, unseen for the commotion surrounding the opening of the coffin containing the nearly dead Catwoman, arrives via limousine driven by a Yakuza-connected driver who knows to mind his business if he doesn’t want to end up as part of Asami’s collection.

Asami, ever prone to chemical and medicinal attacks, first lobs a dozen vials of an ether-based gaseous tranquilizer around the group, causing them all to fall into various states of unconsciousness. Having succeeded in her most important task, gaining control of her victim, she shackles the unconscious Baby Firefly and puts her into a specially-made box in the trunk of the limousine.

Before leaving, she approaches each member of the family and surgically removes something that is unseen by the camera, packing it all into sterile ice in an organ transport container, which she then also stores in the trunk.

She flies herself and her cargo, now on an IV drip of tranquilizers, back to Japan and returns to her apartment. She lets out her pet slaves and allows them to circle around the unpacked and unconscious body of Baby Firefly and stops the IV drip.

Restrained quite thoroughly, when Baby Firefly awakens, she is unable to move, but is surrounded by two very badly maimed-looking Asian gentleman and one very dangerous looking Asian woman. The woman brings over a box with biohazard symbols on it and opens it.

She then pulls out hands, feet, genitals, eyes, lips and various other little tidbits and explains where she came by them: she cut them off of the bodies of her family members. She forces Baby Firefly to watch her slaves salve their hunger on the disgusting body parts. Baby Firefly is irate, but impotent. For the first time, she is not in control and she fears the worst. She knows this is what her victims must have felt when she was doing to them her horrible things.

When the slaves have had their fill, Asami says: “Normally, I would also make a slave out of you and you would join my harem, but in this case, this is an unacceptable solution. Instead, below your feet there is a wire, razor sharp, stretched tight, that will travel down tracks on either side of you rather like a knife-train and make a very precise, very slow, and very thorough slice through your body-length: from head to toe. With any luck, due to the extreme precision of the blade and machinery, you will remain alive and conscious throughout the procedure, able to feel the pain and know what is happening.”

Asami then flips a switch and the sound of a very well-made and expensive Japanese motor engages. Baby Firefly feels the pain of the knife-wire as it contacts and slices through the soles of her feet and legs. She is bleeding and in pain as the blade moves slowly up her body and when it finally finishes its job, by some miracle, it seems she is still conscious, but in a great deal of pain and in danger of passing out from blood loss.

Asami stands and looks her in the eyes as she says, “And now, I will simply slow your halves apart and give the top half of your body to one of my slaves and the bottom to the other to eat. You will feel an abruptness here as your brain, heart, and nerves, if still connected, are now slid apart, greased by the blood of the wire-knife slices. Good bye.”

———

By Wayward Jam from Reel Whore.

Months ago, Asami Yamazaki decided she would leave her native Japan in search of new love interests. Because she had learned English in school, she opted for the challenge an American man represented. In her communications with a gentleman named Spaulding, she had been offered the luxuries of a rural estate, an oasis for international travelers with delicacies unimaginable. Upon arriving in Texas, she found herself outside “Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Madness,” a combination dilapidated gas station, gimmicky roadside attraction and fried-chicken joint! A bearded, balding man wearing clown make-up and a greasy, tattered tee over clown pants greeted her. Eager for some alone time with this disgusting man, she convinced him to take her on a private tour of the museum’s Murder Ride. It was there she had lured him onto a table and paralyzed him with her needles. She was delighting in sawing off his left foot when she heard a shrill voice above the tinny din of the ride. She felt a sharp pain in the back of her head, and now…here she is.

Here is filthy. Here is dark. But where here is, she’s unsure. Asami looks down to discover her pristine white dress and leather apron gone, her body naked. She tries to move but she finds that she has been strapped to a large wooden X. The pounding in her head only worsens as a familiar shrill voice shouts above the rock music blaring from the speakers.

“The China princess is awake!” Baby crosses the room and slaps Asami on the hip, leaving a bright red mark. “What’s your name, darling?” Asami doesn’t answer. Baby slaps her face hard. “What’s your goddamn name!” Asami still doesn’t answer. A wild look enters Baby’s eyes and she storms away. She returns, a rusty hunting knife in hand, the blade glowing orange. Baby caresses Asami’s right thigh, squeezing tightly on two long burn marks. “Looks like someone’s chopsticks got to close to your sushi, hahahahaha!” Already, Asami wishes she could cut Baby’s tongue out to silence her girlish giggle. “I know you speaka Engrish, so fucking answer me, or I’ll give you a matching scar when I fillet that fish!”

Reluctantly she answers, “Asami.”

“There, there Assayme, that didn’t hurt too fucking bad, did it?” Abruptly Baby digs the hot blade into Asami’s other thigh, rolling it back and forth. “That hurts like a mother-fucker, don’t it?” Baby walks away and tosses the knife back in the fire, returning with a fireplace shovel. To the beat of the music, Baby slaps the scalding metal against Asami’s supple stomach. The smell of burning flesh fills the room as Baby swishes her curly locks to her drum rhythm. Asami tries to suppress a scream, but her throbbing skull sends her back into darkness.

Asami awakens to find herself huddled inside a small cage in the middle of a field. She’s been dressed in a rabbit costume that stinks of urine, sweat and blood. The smell is almost overwhelming. Baby stands outside the cage.

“Wakey wakey. Is Assayme ready to come out and play?” Baby prattles on and on about hide and seek, and how much fun this’ll be. Asami ignores her, frantically looking for a weapon that she can wield in her battered condition. She sees nothing of use, but spots a forested area just across the field. If she can just make it into cover she may be able to hide from this deranged woman under the darkness of night.

Baby opens the latch on the shoddy cage. “Run, Rabbit, Run! Hahahaha! Run, Rabbit, Run!” Asami scrambles out of the cage and onto her feet. She can hardly wait to be away from that hideous laugh. Asami takes off. Baby’s chanting and laughing abruptly ends, “Wait! Wait!” Asami doesn’t slow until a gunshot rings through the air. The deafening sound causes her to stumble. She rolls over to find Baby skipping to within feet of her.

“I’m so silly, Assayme. Rabbits don’t run. They hop!” BANG! Asami shrieks as the bullet tears into her shin, splitting the bone.

“Hahahaha! Now hop away little rabbit. Hippity-hoppity! Hippity-hoppity! Baby’s on her way! HAHAHAHAHA!”

Asami tries to stand and collapses in agony. Dragging her leg along, she inches toward the safety of the woods. Baby kicks her hard in the back. Asami crashes to the ground.

Baby pouts. “You hop for shit, ya know that? I thought you’d be more fun.”

Asami slides on her back towards the woods, never taking her eyes off the crazed blonde. Baby quickly straddles her, and drops her knees onto Asami’s chest. Crack. Asami screams in pain.

“Oooh, I did bring one of your toys out to play,” says Baby, producing a long thread of wire. “Now let’s see if I remember how you were using this on my Daddy.” She wraps the wire around Asami’s neck. Asami claws at Baby, but the weight on her chest keeps her from gaining leverage. Asami chokes as the wire tightens around her throat.

“Before you can skin a rabbit, you gotta cut off her fucking head! Hahahaha!” With one end of the wire in each hand, she begins to sway back and forth as she chants some sort of nursery rhyme about bunnies. Asami, gasping for air, feels the bite of her garrote and the warmth of her blood as it spills down her neck and sprays against her jaw. Giggling, Baby saws faster. Asami tries to scream, but the wire has already sliced through her larynx. America turned out to be a little more challenging than expected.

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