By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

Cherry’s phone was buzzing again. Taking it from her hip, she looked at the screen and saw the familiar photo she’d taken of Beatrix Kiddo some months back. Once upon a time, it was an image she’d looked upon fondly, a reminder of happier days when Cherry and Trixie (as Cherry liked to call her) would go bowling or miniature golfing. Sometimes, they’d stay in and watch Flavor of Love or The Hills marathons on a lazy Saturday, still dressed in their PJs from the night before.

These days, though, that picture just meant that it was yet another call from “The Bride.” Whining. Self-centered. Easily upset. Cherry could barely stand the thought of hanging with her former BFF, much less stomach the idea of calling her “The Bride,” something Beatrix had insisted upon ever since Bill and the DVAS had turned on her. So annoying.

Cherry rejected the call yet again. It seemed like the 50^th time she’d done so in the last week, but it was in fact just the 8^th. Still, she wished nothing more than to just have Trixie out of her life for good. Trixie, meanwhile, was lonely and scared that her lone friend in the world was ditching her as well. It was time to escalate the situation.

Trixie hopped in the Pussy Wagon and headed for the Pussy Ranch (Cherry’s house of employment). No dice though, as the diminutive dancer was nowhere to be found. So she roamed, hitting up every burger joint, dive bar and drive-in in a three county radius. Still nothing. Searching for hours, she couldn’t help that she had cooled down some by now, her fire and growing ire towards Cherry waning. It was time to head home, and possibly pick up this fight another day.

But there the bitch was. Trixie didn’t notice her at first - how could she? But there Cherry was, in front of a Dairy Queen, riding the mechanical toy horse (and El Wray as well). The nerve of those two – that thing’s for kids, yet here they were defiling it, all for the low, low price of two bits while downing their Peanut Buster Parfaits and Butterfinger Blizzards.

The P Wagon came to a screeching halt as Trixie practically flew out of it and onto the DQ parking lot.

“Bitch!” she screamed at Cherry. “Why have you forsaken me like all the others, and for toy horses and desserts, no less?”

“What pipe are you smokin’, Trixie?” Cherry snarled. “Just ‘cause I’m on a date with my man doesn’t mean I’m ‘forsaking you.’ Could you be a bigger drama queen?”

“Enough lies!” The Bride screamed, tears nearly bursting forth. “You don’t answer my calls or text messages, my emails get returned with that annoying MAILER DAEMON thing, and did I get even a thank you for the singing telegram? You’re gonna tell me a hippo belting out ‘Happy Birthday’ wasn’t the shiznit? How dare you treat me like this!”

“Uh, creepy,” Cherry said, as she inched away from Beatrix.

“What’s creepy about friendship?” blurted the Bride.

At this point, tears were streaming from Beatrix’s face, her makeup turning her into a Tammy Faye clone. Cherry couldn’t take much more of this. The toy horse was bothering her as well, so she promptly hopped off and confronted her former friend.

“Look, Bea, I know you’ve gone through some tough times, but I just don’t think we should see each other anymore. It’s not you, though, it’s me.”

“You’re using the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ routine?!? I invented ‘it’s not you, it’s me!’” shouted the Bride.

“There you go again with the drama queen business. You’re a bald-faced liar. Everyone knows George Costanza invented that line – I was just trying to spare your feelings. You know what, though – fine, it’s me. I – me – just can’t stand you anymore.”

Beatrix fell to the ground, a crumpled mess and a shell of her former self. Despite her blubbering, she managed to make a half-assed attempt at lunging towards Cherry with her Hanzo, but her emotional state had left her impotent in her assassinly ways. Cherry, being the hunter that she was, knew a wounded animal when she saw one, though, and sought to put her old friend out of her misery.

“Who brings a knife to a gun fight, anyway,” she mustered, as she put the Bride down with a single shot to the head.

“Say hi to Budd for me. I always liked that crazy Texan.”

——————-

The Bride was riding on Kyra’s dead body as they were both falling down her apartment building. As they were approaching the ground, Beatrix jumped off and while Kyra’s body landed with a wet THUD, The Bride landed on her feet.

Beatrix caught her breath and started to head back up when she saw that guy Jason walking out, holding a cell phone. He was covered in blood.

“It’s for you,” Jason said.

“What happened to you?” Beatrix asked.

“That Riddick guy came out and I asked him to spell a five letter word. One thing led to another and his head exploded.”

“Oh,” was all The Bride could say as she took the cell phone. “Beatrix Kiddo.”

“Hey, uh, it’s me. Q. We, uh, have a…situation here. We need your help.”

“I’m on my way.”

Beatrix hung up the phone.

“I gotta go. Good luck with your story,” Beatrix said, as she headed to her super cool car.

“Thanks. I’m gonna need it.”

Twenty minutes later, Beatrix arrived and she heard a whole lot of screaming and shooting. Beatrix got out of her car and headed towards the chaos. She saw “Q” and some Mexican fellow she remembers meeting once or twice. They were backing away from some black-haired chick missing a leg and-is this right?-in place of the missing leg was a machine gun?

“Cool”, Beatrix said.

“WHY DIDN’T MY MOVIE DO BETTER!” the machine gun legged chick was screaming out, as she shot some more people around her.

“I don’t know,” said the Mexican man, with fear in his eyes and voice.

“Look, if you just settle down-”

“What’s going on here?” Beatrix asked. Everyone, including the machine gun legged chick, looked at her.

“Oh thank God!” Q yelled out.

“WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?!”

“She saw that our movie didn’t do so good, so she just went NUTS!” explained the Mexican fellow.

“I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE!!” the machine gun legged chick screamed as she aimed her leg-gun at Beatrix. Before the first 30 or so shots were fired, Beatrix jumped out of the way.

Beatrix landed nearby and ran for cover.

“Cherry, no!” said Q.

“Cherry?” Beatrix asked. “The hell kinda name is Cherry?”

“She’s a stripper. With a special talent,” the Mexican fellow said.

“And a, uh, machine gun for a leg,” Q added.

“Nice characteristic,” Beatrix added, pulling out her sword.

Cherry finally ran out of bullets and she hobbled over to where Beatrix was, who stood up with the sword.

“I don’t want you around!” Cherry bellowed.

“You’re just jealous that my movieSSS did better than yours!”

“You bitch!”

“Well, it’s not my fault your movie was directed by the guy who gave us ‘Sharkboy and Lavagirl’”.

“Yeah well…your guy…produced Hostel! And Hostel Part 2!”

“Ooh, that wasn’t necessary.”

Beatrix raised her sword and chopped off Cherry’s left arm, who looked at it, not at horror but with glee.

“Oh good! I can put a bazooka there!”

Cherry kicked her machine gun leg and kicked Beatrix in the side with it, causing her to fall. Cherry grabbed the sword and looked at it.

“Or this will do instead!” Cherry said, who then went and shoved the sword into the bloody stump. Cherry then made it move around.

“Nice.”

“You better, uh, run!” Q yelled out.

Beatrix got up and started running, with Cherry doing a sort of a half run-half stomp towards her. Beatrix thought and thought as she looked around. Then she saw the one thing that’ll take care of this deformed bitch.

Right in front of her was the Killer Car from “Death Proof,” with the skull painted on the hood and everything. Cherry stopped as Beatrix got in.

“Hold on to your remaining limbs,” Beatrix said, while she revved up the car. Cherry turned around and started running the other way. Beatrix continued revving the engine until it was nice and ready. Before Cherry could make it out the door, Beatrix put the death car into drive and immediately was going about damn near 80 MPH.

She was slowly catching up to Cherry, who was praying for more bullets to magically appear in her leg gun but it wasn’t happening. Beatrix then swerved off to the right and headed for a ramp that was suddenly there. She jumped the ramp and the car flew into the air, heading towards Cherry. Before Cherry knew it, the car landed right on top of her, crushing her entire body. Beatrix, for good measure, ran over the little stump that remained of Cherry, before getting out.

“That’s what I call a race car in the red.”

By Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob.

After winning Survivor and stabbing Suzanne Maretto in the face, Kyra was unfortunately sent to prison for her murderous deed. While in the joint, however, she heard a crazy rumor about this rogue assassin who had killed all of her ex-teammates in order to get to her boss and kill him, as well. Intrigued by the ruthlessness, Kyra knew she had to meet this woman, for she seemed dastardly enough to know where a person like Riddick could be.

So she researched and researched until she finally pinpointed a location on this lone assassin. Kyra then, quite easily, broke out of the pathetic excuse for a prison (she’d been confined to much, much worse) and made her way to where her research pointed her to.

Upon reaching said locale, a very small town in the middle of nowhere, Kyra easily found the woman, Beatrix Kiddo. The town looked like it had come out of a western movie, and it didn’t help that Beatrix was walking down the end of an old, dusty road when she found her.

“Beatrix Kiddo,” Kyra called out.

The woman turned.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“I need to talk to you. I heard about what you did.”

Kyra had gotten her full attention now. Beatrix faced her fully, hand on the sword she always carried with her in paranoia.

“Who sent you?”

“Nobody. I’ve need to know if you’ve heard of a Richard B. Riddick.”

“Riddick? Never.”

“You’re not lying to me, are you?”

“Are you lying to me?”

The two women stared at each other in a death glance. Then, for no apparent reason, they charged each other, Beatrix with her sword unsheathed. The blonde woman swiped with her sword, but Kyra easily dodged. Kyra then pulled out her vicious-looking dagger, taking a swipe at Beatrix, but missing. There was an animalistic glare in Kyra’s eyes. She knew exactly how to take this woman down easily: Left of the spine, fourth lumbar down, the abdominal aorta. The Sweet Spot, Kyra thought.

Kyra jumped, doing a spinning corkscrew in the air to slice at Beatrix with the blades in the backs of her boots, but Beatrix simply barred them with her Hanzo sword.

As Kyra landed, Beatrix jabbed with her sword, scratching Kyra’s arm, but it didn’t matter. Kyra had spun and jammed her dagger into the sweet spot. It was over before it had barely begun.

——————-

By Jason from Invasion of the B Movies.

The Bride aka Beatrix is relaxing in her apartment. It’s about time she got to relax. She’s been through a lot. So much that if it was all to be turned into a movie, it’d have to split into two parts. Beatrix goes to settle down with some tea and is about to watch an old Kung-Fu movie on TV when there’s a knock on the door.

Beatrix looks at it oddly and quietly goes and looks in the peephole. She saw a man, in his 20’s, with short black hair and glasses. He looked nervous. Realizing a nervous nerdy guy is no threat, she opened the door.

“Can I help you?” Beatrix asked.

“Uh, yeah. Hi. My name is Jason. And I need your help.”

“With what?”

“Well…you’re gonna find this hard to understand-”

“Try me.”

“Ok. I’ve been tasked with writing a short story about you.”

“Really? Come on in.”

Beatrix gave Jason room to walk in. He slips through the door and looks around.

“Nice place,” Jason said, still looking nervous.

“So what’s this story about?” Beatrix asked, closing the door behind her.

“Well, it’s a hypothetical story about what would happen if you fought some other women that kick ass.”

“I see. And you need what exactly?”

“Well, the person you’re suppose to be fighting, I have no clue who she is. So I thought maybe if we both watch this-” Jason pulls out a “Chronicles of Riddick” DVD “-together, then we’d find out who she is and if maybe you could beat her.”

Beatrix thought about it. She looked at the DVD and read the description. It was some sci-fi movie. She wasn’t a fan of sci-fi; action and kung-fu was more her thing. But if she was to help this geek out, she’d have to study her opponent.

“Alright. I’ll put it in.”

After two hours, Jason looks as if his eyes were going to melt.

“I forgot to mention I really don’t like Vin Diesel,” Jason said, rubbing his eyes.

“I don’t blame you. His voice is pretty monotonous and he sounds like he should be saying ‘Duh’ before he starts each sentence.”

“So what do you think?”

Before Beatrix could answer, her TV started leaking. Beatrix and Jason looked at it oddly. Soon the screen shattered and crawling from the broken screen was Kyra, the girl they were both studying. She lands on the rug with a THUD, then quickly gets up.

“Who’s talking crap about my movie?!” Kyra said.

“You broke my TV!” Beatrix bellowed.

“Oh boy!” Jason said, doing a good impression of Sam Beckett.

The two women circled each other.

“So, you didn’t like my movie, huh?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Well, we’ll have to change your mind now, huh?”

And before she knew it, Kyra jumped over to Beatrix and slammed her on top of the head with both fists. Beatrix fell on her coffee table, breaking it. Kyra then started pounding on Beatrix, hitting her all over. Jason looked around and saw the infamous sword. He jumped up and grabbed it.

“Beatrix! Here!” Jason yelled as he threw the sword. It landed right in Beatrix’s hand and she did one *swish* and soon Kyra’s left arm was cut clean off. Kyra stood up, screaming. Beatrix jumped up onto her feet, holding the sword. Beatrix runs to Kyra, about to slash again when Kyra picks up her cut-off arm and uses it to hit the sword, knocking it out of her hand.

Kyra then slaps Beatrix silly with the dismembered arm, stunning her. Beatrix, stunned, grabs a couch cushion and hits Kyra with it, which makes her drop the arm. Beatrix then runs up to her and tackles her, and they fly backwards all the way to the window. Did I mention Beatrix’s apartment was on the 37th floor. 37????

Jason runs to the window, furiously taking notes. Before Beatrix and Kyra fell out of sight, he saw Beatrix punch Kyra over and over again until she was unconscious. Then Beatrix stood up on Kyra’s body and used it as some type of windboard while she plummets down to the ground.

Jason lost sight of Beatrix and Kyra. He backed away from the window when he heard something behind him. Jason slowly turned around and before he knew it, a big bald man wearing dark black goggles was standing behind him.

“Duh, you don’t like me, I hear?”

“Ohhh boy…”

By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

By Jason from Invasion of the B Movies.

The Bride was walking into her apartment that she shares with her new boyfriend Eric. It was night, and the apartment was pitch black. Beatrix found this odd, since she saw Eric’s car parked outside. She turned on the living room lights and saw no one there.

“Eric,” Beatrix called out.

She closed the door and looks around the apartment before hearing a noise in the bedroom. Beatrix smiles, thinking Eric is waiting for her as she heads to the bedroom. Then she hears something she didn’t expect to hear: a woman’s voice. Beatrix stops in her tracks, unsure if she did hear what she heard. But no, she hears it again.

He knows better then to fuck around on me, Beatrix thought to herself. Just in case, she went back to the living room and grabbed her Hattori Hanzo that she proudly displays on the wall. She unsheathes it and holds it upright while walking towards the bedroom.

She reaches the door and she pushes it in just a little to see what’s going on. Standing near the bed she sees the back of Eric’s head kissing what looks like a blond woman, who is naked. Eric is almost undressed himself.

“That son of a-”

Before Beatrix can finish her thought, blood comes pouring out of the back of Eric’s head and what appears to be a tongue pops out. The naked blonde chick then lets go of Eric, who falls to the floor, dead. With Eric out of the way, Beatrix can finally see the blonde chick, and she’s got an amazingly long tongue. What is that about…

No time to think about it, she just killed Eric! Beatrix barges into the room, about to strike with her sword, but the blonde woman dives out of the way and Beatrix ends up cutting the bed apart. The blonde woman then does a behind kick, knocking Beatrix over the bed, which now collapses.

The blonde woman looks down at Beatrix.

“You must be the girlfriend,” she says.

“Yes. Who might you be?”

“My name is Sil. I needed your boyfriend to mate with me, but he didn’t turn out to be what I was looking for after all.”

“So you killed him?” Beatrix asked with anger in her voice.

“Yes. Judging by the way he kissed, I did you a favor.”

“YAAAHH!!!!”

Beatrix kicked Sil right in the stomach and she went flying back 50 feet into the wall, knocking down several pictures, some of Beatrix and Eric. Beatrix jumps back to her feet and she grabs her sword. With the sword pointed forward, she runs towards Sil, but Sil jumps up to avoid being pierced. What Sil didn’t count on though, was the dropped ceiling Beatrix and Eric had put in 5 months ago, so her head went through it, making her stuck.

“You bitch! We had a hard time choosing that ceiling!” Beatrix bellowed.

Sil wiggled around and Beatrix saw her feet dangling, so she tickled them, making Sil laugh. Then Sil kicked Beatrix in the face. This stunned Beatrix but only for a moment. Then without hesitation, she chopped off Sil’s feet with the sword.

Sil gave an unearthly scream and Beatrix pulled Sil down from the ceiling where she collapsed in a heap. Beatrix then tries to cut Sil into other parts but Sil keeps rolling around the floor. Then Sil did a hand stand (Remember fellas, she’s naked) and put her bloody leg stump in Beatrix’s mouth.

Beatrix starts choking on blood, dropping her sword. Sil then tries to make a grab for it, but loses her balance so she falls down. Beatrix spits out the blood in her mouth as Sil gets on her knees. Beatrix kicks hers some more, causing her to keep falling to the ground.

After a few kicks, Sil finally jumps up and wraps her legs around Beatrix’s waist. Sil puts her face close to Beatrix, with her lips about 4 inches or so near Sil’s lips, as Sil opens her mouth. The tongue is about to come out and before it can make it’s way into Beatrix’s mouth, Beatrix with lighting reflexes grabs it and with all her might pulls.

Sil is surprised by these turn of events as Beatrix yanks out her tongue. And god damn what a long ass tongue it is. This thing must go down to her feet or something. Finally, she pulls out her entire tongue and Sil falls to the floor. She’s gasping and clawing at her mouth. Beatrix stands over her.

“What’s wrong? Bride got your tongue?”

“UCK!! MUUCCK DEEE MMM”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Here, let me give this back to you.”

Beatrix rolls up her tongue into a big ball and, with great strength, shoves Sil’s tongue back into her mouth, which gets caught in her throat. Sil gasps for breath.

“It appears to be stuck. Let me help,” Beatrix said, grabbing for her sword. She then jabs her sword down into Sil’s mouth, not only causing her tongue to go down deeper, but causing the sword to come back out the back of her neck. With this final act, Sil lays still. Beatrix takes a step back and sits on the bed, which falls apart from being cut in half.

“Fuck. Eric picked this bed too.”

By Mrs. Thuro from Mrs. Thuro’s Movie Rants & Raves.